Second Post! Woot!

Holy shit. So I don't know what got into me posting the Dear Me as my FIRST but I'm glad I did! Watching my best friend read it was EXCRUCIATING and then watching her share it on my Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest was even more cringe worthy! But I'm so thankful for her! Thank you Jessika Kropf you amazing woman you! I can't wait to keep posting the little things that go on in my mind. It'll be quite the clusterfuck of stuff mind you. Books, movies, TV shows, shit that makes me angry, sad, joyous.

Here's to a new journey of writing and sharing and expressing!

Dear Past Me

Dear Ten-year old, teenager, and early twenties me:

            It may not be fully normal to have B cup breasts at the age of ten, it may be. I don’t know, but no matter it IS OKAY. The way your body decided to develop isn’t YOUR fault. Hell, it isn’t anyone’s fault! It’s just the way things happened! Also, sure your sister is a gorgeous high school student with a kick ass 90’s style; but you are just as kick ass and just as gorgeous. Your frizzy hair and your chubby body don’t make you any less perfect than her. You are a child and it is completely okay to have baby fat. It is not okay however to be on a diet. Okay, so maybe it isn’t okay to have a bag of Hott Flamin’ Cheetos A DAY either, but it isn’t okay to feel worthless and ugly just because the girls in your grade have boyfriends and you don’t (it’s not like your Mom would allow it anyway). You are amazing, loud, goofy, loving, annoying(it’s OKAY), smart, crazy, friendly. THOSE are the qualities that matter at ten. Your size and shape have no matter because they don’t make you YOU.

            Being in middle school has opened up a world full of boys to you. Again, just because you aren’t skinny doesn’t mean you are worthless. Yes, you have friends who are two to three sizes smaller but that’s because we’re all made different! Being yourself in your body isn’t anything to be ashamed of! Not being a perfect size 0 isn’t going to be the death of you. There are many more important things to learn from your middle school experiences. For example, the power of collaboration; you made amazing friendships in these years! These are the ones that matter! Managing to cause mayhem with your friends has been more fun then worrying about which boy you like is dating which girl you hate but secretly would LOVE to be like. And dear, sweet, vulnerable middle school me, those girls were all cool because they were their own person! You could never be anyone other than you. It’s okay to be a dork and not to follow the crowd even though you REALLY REALLY WANTED TO BE COOL. You were cool in your own way.

           

            High school has brought even more insecurities and disappointments. Again, your body is your one enemy, but it shouldn’t be! You are gorgeous in your adorable different pants and your crazy bleached hair! These are days when you are most insecure, but let me tell you academics are more important! Making sure you are a good student is more important! Making lifetime friendships is more important. I wish you hadn’t felt so let down for not being a perfect body in dance. You danced brilliantly. You danced with your heart. You chose to show everyone that you could go from beginners to advanced in just one year. You didn’t get picked for the Pom squad but that’s okay. You got discouraged and you let this be your biggest enemy. Thankfully you found a group of girls that looked past those “flaws” others saw. They let you in and your senior year was an amazing year. You didn’t make the best choices but you still did good. You learned from your mistakes. You learned heartache from someone who was supposed to lift you up not tear you down. Forgive that dance teacher, she only decided to follow society’s rules instead of setting a different example. She didn’t know what she was doing to you. Neither did your fellow dance mates. They too, had been brought up to hate the “different” body shapes and sizes that society was so eager to hate or be afraid of. You got through it with amazing friends and that’s what matters most. I love you high school me. Don’t change anything.

            Early twenties me, we have some issues girl. You have hated yourself. You have hurt yourself. You have been careless and too careful. You have quit and started over and quit and started over too many times and for too many things. School was rough in the beginning and you quit! It’s okay. You’re not supposed to have your shit together anyways. Some people have proven that this is something that is achievable straight out of high school, but others have proven that it’s not ALWAYS the case. You my dear have obviously been the exception. And THAT’S OKAY. Stop hating yourself for not being perfect. Stop hating yourself for being overweight. Stop hating yourself for failing to be in a relationship. The best I can say to you is that you’re gonna be okay! You will need extra time to find those things about yourself that you absolutely love! Like your passion; holy shit your passion can make people laugh, cry, smile, GET ANGRY (that’s my favorite haha). Another one? Your determination to believe that everything will be alright. Because it will, I promise. One more? Your drive. You decided to go back to school which was a huge step and you’re doing awesome! Give yourself a HUGE hug for that shit! You’re getting your degree in your own terms. You have come to find ways to accept and love yourself and that’s great! I love you early twenties me.

P.S. Present Me

Keep on searching for the perfect reason to love YOURSELF. Do it for YOU only YOU.

One day you will accept and love and be in the place where there is peace in your heart and calm in your mind. The only person that can do this for yourself is, YOU.