One of the worst feelings in the world is that helpless feeling
of falling down the rabbit hole, recognizing that it's happening, and not being
able to make yourself get out of it. The opposite effect takes place. Instead
of getting out you go in deeper. You feel like you let down everyone around
you. The people who love you, the people who are there for you, the people who
want to help you. In the end knowing is not half the battle. I used to think
that. I now believe something else. I believe that being aware that you have a
problem is JUST THE BEGINNING. Once you’re in that beginning you have to find
the way out. You have to find what works and what doesn’t. What makes you happy
along the way and fulfilled. Proud. One thing I am no good at is being selfish.
It’s just not something I can do. I have to do for others before I do for
myself. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what’s led me astray. My focus has shifted
and it’s done so in a completely negative way. Right now all I know is that I
have fallen through the rabbit hole. I can’t seem to find my way out. I feel
trapped. I feel like there is only one way to go and that’s down, down, down.
I’m not seeing the light and that frightens me. I don’t want to get to a place
where I can’t look back. It’s difficult and it’s frightening. I don’t want to
rely on others, but I don’t think I can do it for myself.
I’m stuck between trying to be positive about the physical
aspects of my life and wanting to change them. Stuck between being ashamed of
myself and not caring whether others are ashamed of me. Stuck between knowing I
need to make some changes and actually making them. Stuck between knowing I’ve
been lying to myself and knowing I’ve lied to others (which I feel is worse).
Stuck between loving myself internally and forgetting to love my external parts
as well.
It's been said before, balance is key. What I want is to find that balance. I want to find the balance that will shift everything back into focus and help me walk myself out of the misery that I have allowed myself to be in. My search continues, but this time, it's intensified.
