I'm the kind of girl that gets swept up in the romance of things.
You know the kind... She'll meet a cute boy. He'll show interest and she'll be interested as well.
He'll ask something like "do you feel it? This thing? Between us?" And she'll respond with a whispy "yes"
Because truly, she DOES feel it. The butterfly effect in her belly. The floaty yet dizzying effect in her head.
And all is well until she starts to turn into the other girl.
You know the one...
The one that over rationalizes. The overly logical one.
The girl that wonders "where is this going?" "Is there a future in this?"
Then the butterflies turn into lawn mowers. Cutting into her belly. Weeding out the floaty whispy feelings and replacing them with jagged cuts filled with anxiety.
She starts to notice things. Things like how indecisive he is. How he seems to have very few aspirations in life. How he's too simple.
Then that girl evolves yet again.
She becomes complacent. Understanding. But remains logical. She's a no nonsense kind of girl. The kind of girl that refuses to settle but is too afraid to change.
The kind that is finally content, but getting restless none the less.
The kind that has so much to give and so much love in her heart.
The kind that is too selfish to share and too selfless to confine someone to a space they don't want to be in.
The kind of girl that will love you. Even when she swears she's over you.
The kind of girl that will fight with you, but still fight for you. The kind of girl that will want to please you. But demand pleasure as well. The kind of girl that will take whatever aspirations you have and support you. Because who you are now is who she loves and who you will be is who she will love when she gets to know him.
The kind of girl too afraid to admit any of these things out loud. The kind of girl too afraid of letting her heart break. The kind of girl so afraid she closes herself off to the possibility of love, if only that means her heart will be protected.
The kind of girl that silently wishes for moments of anxiety over you. Moments of sadness over you. Moments of frustration over you, if only that means she'll have moments of love. Moments of devotion. Moments of laughing so hard she hurts for days. Moments of joy. Moments of companionship and sharing her life. Moments of being part of a partnership.
The kind of girl that you broke. The kind of girl too afraid to admit what feelings are still there because she refused to give that last part of herself up to you when you asked for closure. The kind of girl who's heart is breaking still. The kind of girl who you didn't really want.
The kind of girl who will find all that again. And lose it again. Until all the moments of romance and logistics and anxiety and fearlessness all happen again, but this time, she doesn't run. And neither do you.
- N
