In the Quest for Love

When you love a person, it should be no matter what right? I mean.. not if they’re a serial rapist or eat dogs or something… but if they are and you love them then you get them help no? I mean that is ideal.. if someone loves you then you would expect to be loved in any circumstance you are facing. Including mental illness, physical illness, no illness, richness, poorness, etc.

 In the quest for love I have discovered a lot of variations of it. There is the kind of love only a mother can give; nurturing, nagging, this-is-for-your-own-good-ing, blinding, etc. There is the kind of love you get from a dad; this one is similar to that of a mom, but with some detachment I guess (depending on the dad and all that shit.) There is the kind of love you get from a sibling; the kind where they feel like you’re either the bane of their existence or the best thing to ever happen to them. You fight, you laugh, you’re mean, you destroy your relationship and then you build it back up. Sister/Brother love is different because of age, personality, sometimes even distance and sometimes it can be a long time in order to get it “just right.”

There’s the love of a friend. This one is a special one. See, friends are sort of the chosen brothers or sisters. They don’t take away from your biological siblings, but they have a special place. While your older sister is out on dates with her boyfriend or out hanging with HER friends, your friends are there to hold that place. While your younger brother is being a sulky silly teenager, your friend is there to remind you of that time when you too, were a sulky silly teenager. Friends love in the most amazing complex way. They make you laugh, cry, smile, angry, happy, sad. They hold your hand through scary medical procedures, or walking through a crown when they can tell you’re a bit apprehensive, or they come see you when you’re dog sitting out in bum-fuck-egypt. They stop speaking to you and even block you on social media, but they still want to know if someone has done you wrong so that they can retaliate. They get shit face drunk with you and let you sleep off the ever-clear jello-shots and the moonshine (even if it’s in the middle of a fucking game at the table.) They make you do things you never thought you would and support your stupid or awesome ideas. The most important thing though, is that they love you no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. In the midst of chaos, in the worst of times, in the best of times. They forgive petty shit and serious shit as well. They don’t drop you over a stupid ass disagreement. They just don’t. I learned the meaning of friendship a long time ago. And then this year, just within the last four months, I have re-learned it.

                                 

I have maintained friendships with a very small group of people from school. I see them as much as I can. Right now, it’s not a lot. But they’re my tribe. They’re my people. I have made some amazing friendships within the book and online community. And I have lost some. And that is okay. Because the ones that have remained? They’re the ones that I will think about in my darkest of times. They are the ones that I will share my best moments with. It’s not a lot of skill to be a good friend. It doesn’t take a lot of skill to love someone. I love my tribe. All of them. My old friends, my new ones. I love my family. I love so whole-heartedly it’s stupid and ugly sometimes. Especially in those dark moments when I forget that they love me too.

I have been dealing with some personal shit. And the love of my family, and the love from my friends has helped me tremendously. But it has also hurt. Because in those dark moments, in those weak moments filled with dread and constant doubt, I have learned that love is not always reciprocated. And that it is often said to leisurely. But that’s okay. Because in my quest for love, I am finding it easier and easier to love myself most of all.

Happy International Women's Day!

#OneDayIWill run a successful blog detailing my life and love for all things from books to animals to education to infinity and beyond. 

One day I will live in a world where a woman's right to her body is no longer an item of debate amongst men and politicians.  

One day I will live in a world where no woman ever has to fear for her life while walking to her car in the dark. 

One day I will live in a world where discussions about equality are only in text books because it's finally completely come for women of all colors and backgrounds.

One day I will live in a world where ALL women are celebrated no matter their accomplishments. One day I will live in a world where difference of opinion, culture, and background will not clash with respect. 

One day I will live in a world where internationally women are celebrated EVERY DAY.

First entry for 2016!

In the span of 8-12 months (rough estimate), I gained 75 lbs. (also rough estimation). I'm not ashamed to admit this. I'm past shame. I have lived in shame for far too long when it comes to my obesity and body issues. Too long I have wondered what was wrong with me for not being able to lose weight and keep it off. Why did I have to be fat? Why couldn’t I just have a “normal” body? Why couldn't I just buckle down and eat healthy? Why was it so hard to get to the gym and work out for 2 hours to shed some fat? I have been trying to answer these questions for such a long time. 

I started out 2015 on a mission to find body positivity. I had been inspired by blog after blog talking about it. I had read countless posts, articles, etc from my favorite Feminist sites explaining to me that Body Positivity was the way to go; that regulating fat and the way people think about fat was the thing to do. I failed. It didn't help that as the months went on in this year 2015 I was slowly ascending into madness as I noticed small things like my feet and legs in general aching at wake up time, or the fact that my shoe laces were somehow shrinking, and that bending over made it difficult to breathe. So as 2015 happened I grew in size and shame. I retreated into myself by taking less pictures, and worrying more about what the outside world saw when they saw me. What I saw was a sad overweight girl that was never going to find happiness within herself. 

What ended up happening was that other things began happening as well. My skin began developing acne in places that had been clean before. I noticed pimples and zits on my face during my menstrual cycle, then just randomly popping up. I felt and saw sebaceous cysts popping up on my arms, on my legs, more often than I had experienced in the past. Bumps with no opening, but painful as if they were full of poison on the inside, yet when I squeezed and squeezed nothing would come out and the bumps would remain. My menstrual cycles became painful beyond anything before and heavier than a waterfall; they also became random starting later and later each month. I was also very afraid that in the gain I had developed diabetes. My mom is a diabetic, her parents were diabetic, so here I thought “Fuck. I must be a diabetic now.” I figured a visit to the doctor was in order. Thankfully a change in employment had also came with medical insurance so I made an appointment and took myself to the doctor. I planned on recounting my shameful occurrences with hopes of finding an underlying cause for the extreme weight gain. So the doctor listens to my retelling of events. She tells me (and I was so thankful for this) “What can I do for you? How can I help you lose the weight you have gained?” Nothing felt better than this person asking me how SHE could HELP ME. I was so afraid she would make me feel guilty for the weight gain. I was so afraid she would make me feel worse than I had already made myself feel for being even more overweight. Instead she was willing to try and find reasons why and solutions.

I don’t know if I’ve lost any weight so far. I refused to see what I weighed on that doctor’s visit. I’ve been too obsessed with my weight in the past. I don’t think it’s heaelthy to weigh every day. And given the last time I did weigh (I broke down horribly) I didn’t want to put myself through that again. Tests were run and as far as I know there is nothing wrong with me. I am I guess one could say, healthy. Overweight? Oh yes. Diabetic? I am taking the optimistic route and guessing if the Doctor didn’t call me to say I am that I am in fact, NOT diabetic. There are still menstrual issues, which I plan on getting to the bottom of as soon as possible.

2016 started differently than 2015. I didn’t make resolutions. I didn’t plan to do the newest diet to see how much I could lose in 2 weeks. I didn’t get a gym membership. I didn’t get new workout shoes and clothes. I didn’t promise to find body positivity. I decided to stress over something so trivial as my weight. It’s a working process let me add. Of course I still stress. When my jeans get that tear in the thigh from my thighs hanging out so much I silently start to wonder “what can I do to fix this tomorrow?” And of course so far there have only been 16 days in the year 2016. Tomorrow I could go find some new weight loss pill with “all natural ingredients!” and then 2 weeks from that I could decide to say “fuck it! Pleasantly plump I’ll be!” I’ve said this before, I’m a fickle human. I don’t commit well.

However, I HAVE decided to commit to one thing. I have decided to commit to living carelessly. And to be able to do that I have to stop thinking ahead, I have to stop thinking about how I can be skinny. I have to stop thinking about where to go to find a boyfriend (not that I’m actively searching). I have to wake up in the morning, do my morning routine, and put sustenance into my body throughout the day (even if sometimes this is a “unhealthy” snack or even meal *GASP*. Play with my students. Come home and nap (SLEEP IS BAE). Go to school. Get my associates degree finally. Travel as much as I can afford on the salary of a head start teacher. Visit my book friends. Meet more authors. Read more books. Blog. Don’t blog (fickle and forever doing something). Review books (and subsequently enter said reviews into book blog). Don’t review books (some get way too much hype already and honestly, fickle is my middle name haha). Argue with people when I have a different opinion. Find a common ground when arguing gets heated (the pacifist in me sometimes takes over). Oh there are countless things I am going to do.

That moment you learn from a kid...

Today was a bit of a rough day.

I woke up with a very congested chest and pain in my throat, but couldn't call in to work because my co-teacher was out due to her little girl being sick.
I forgot my wallet at home and had to skip my morning coffee stop, prompting a sleepy start and headache by 12:00 P.M.
I had a lot of paperwork to do and due to unforeseen circumstances, I couldn't get everything done.
I was in a horrible mood come 3:00 P.M.
I just wanted sleep. I wanted a coffee, my dog, and my bed.

Then I see this video and I get reminded of the best of the worse days.

I had something in the medicine cabinet to soothe my throat.
I have a job that helps pay my bills and take care of my most basic needs.
Coffee is available at any time I need it.
I have a boss that is understanding, patient, and all around great.
I work somewhere I love. With kids I love. And co-workers that are kind, funny, helpful, and all around amazing.
I have a warm bed and a warm dog and an amazing brother that doesn't let me oversleep so that I can nap and still take care of business.

It's easy to forget all the amazing things we have. I am by no means saying that rough days shouldn't be acknowledged or that the emotions that come with them shouldn't be embraced, but what little Zion taught me is that there is something good even in the roughest of times.

Something else I believe, and I didn't necessarily learn this by watching Zion's video, I just know it in my heart of hearts... He's destined for an extraordinary destiny.

She took a leap

I'm the kind of girl that gets swept up in the romance of things.

You know the kind... She'll meet a cute boy. He'll show interest and she'll be interested as well.

He'll ask something like "do you feel it? This thing? Between us?" And she'll respond with a whispy "yes"

Because truly, she DOES feel it. The butterfly effect in her belly. The floaty yet dizzying effect in her head.

And all is well until she starts to turn into the other girl. 

You know the one...

The one that over rationalizes. The overly logical one. 

The girl that wonders "where is this going?" "Is there a future in this?"

Then the butterflies turn into lawn mowers. Cutting into her belly. Weeding out the floaty whispy feelings and replacing them with jagged cuts filled with anxiety.

She starts to notice things. Things like how indecisive he is. How he seems to have very few aspirations in life. How he's too simple.

Then that girl evolves yet again.

She becomes complacent. Understanding. But remains logical. She's a no nonsense kind of girl. The kind of girl that refuses to settle but is too afraid to change. 

The kind that is finally content, but getting restless none the less. 

The kind that has so much to give and so much love in her heart.

The kind that is too selfish to share and too selfless to confine someone to a space they don't want to be in.

The kind of girl that will love you. Even when she swears she's over you.

The kind of girl that will fight with you, but still fight for you. The kind of girl that will want to please you. But demand pleasure as well. The kind of girl that will take whatever aspirations you have and support you. Because who you are now is who she loves and who you will be is who she will love when she gets to know him. 

The kind of girl too afraid to admit any of these things out loud. The kind of girl too afraid of letting her heart break. The kind of girl so afraid she closes herself off to the possibility of love, if only that means her heart will be protected. 

The kind of girl that silently wishes for moments of anxiety over you. Moments of sadness over you. Moments of frustration over you, if only that means she'll have moments of love. Moments of devotion. Moments of laughing so hard she hurts for days. Moments of joy. Moments of companionship and sharing her life. Moments of being part of a partnership.

The kind of girl that you broke. The kind of girl too afraid to admit what feelings are still there because she refused to give that last part of herself up to you when you asked for closure. The kind of girl who's heart is breaking still. The kind of girl who you didn't really want. 

The kind of girl who will find all that again. And lose it again. Until all the moments of romance and logistics and anxiety and fearlessness all happen again, but this time, she doesn't run. And neither do you. 

- N

Slightly scared to post and share this. But I couldn't stop. The words flowed out of me. Once I started I couldn't stop... Obviously until I felt I was done. Some of what I wrote is from experience and some just from a part of my brain that hoards all the stuff I read (haha it's supposed to be funny guys). Well, I took a leap. Sometimes writing things in a "creative" way rather than a personal one is more scary. 

I Will Try Harder

So I've been thinking a lot about this blog. About blogging in general. Did you know I'm in a book blog? Yeah, me and a friend of mine. We're about as good at consistently posting there as I am here.. which is to say, we could do better. And today I did better. It wasn't something huge, it wasn't something elaborate. It was a simple spot on an author that is fairly new to me and C. So I took a little time (it's nap time and the kiddos are sleeping) and made something.

Sometimes I'm going to post about books. I thought once upon a time, I should just run a book blog, and when the opportunity presented itself, I didn't do a great job at it. And then I kept thinking up ways to start one on my own (because I'm crazy) but I remembered I'm already part of one! So in the spirit of things, I shall sometimes post in my book blog then come here and link it. Because books are a very important part of my life.

In general this post is a way for me to work harder at doing this blogging thing. I enjoy it. I enjoy sitting and writing about things that matter to me or things that I find funny, or offensive, or things I love. I want to do it more often but I lose sight when other things get in the way. I currently go to school full time, work full time, help out the family partly full time, and have to keep a social life as well as making time for reading. So sometimes life gets a little jumbled and I end up forgetting that I have two blogs that need looking after.

So I will try harder. Because I like the feeling of accomplishment from posting in the blog. And I did it TWICE today. I'm going to link the blog now, here so you can check it out. The top post is today's post about a really REALLY good book.

Hope you enjoy :)

Balance

One of the worst feelings in the world is that helpless feeling of falling down the rabbit hole, recognizing that it's happening, and not being able to make yourself get out of it. The opposite effect takes place. Instead of getting out you go in deeper. You feel like you let down everyone around you. The people who love you, the people who are there for you, the people who want to help you. In the end knowing is not half the battle. I used to think that. I now believe something else. I believe that being aware that you have a problem is JUST THE BEGINNING. Once you’re in that beginning you have to find the way out. You have to find what works and what doesn’t. What makes you happy along the way and fulfilled. Proud. One thing I am no good at is being selfish. It’s just not something I can do. I have to do for others before I do for myself. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what’s led me astray. My focus has shifted and it’s done so in a completely negative way. Right now all I know is that I have fallen through the rabbit hole. I can’t seem to find my way out. I feel trapped. I feel like there is only one way to go and that’s down, down, down. I’m not seeing the light and that frightens me. I don’t want to get to a place where I can’t look back. It’s difficult and it’s frightening. I don’t want to rely on others, but I don’t think I can do it for myself.

I’m stuck between trying to be positive about the physical aspects of my life and wanting to change them. Stuck between being ashamed of myself and not caring whether others are ashamed of me. Stuck between knowing I need to make some changes and actually making them. Stuck between knowing I’ve been lying to myself and knowing I’ve lied to others (which I feel is worse). Stuck between loving myself internally and forgetting to love my external parts as well.

It's been said before, balance is key. What I want is to find that balance. I want to find the balance that will shift everything back into focus and help me walk myself out of the misery that I have allowed myself to be in. My search continues, but this time, it's intensified.