That moment you learn from a kid...

Today was a bit of a rough day.

I woke up with a very congested chest and pain in my throat, but couldn't call in to work because my co-teacher was out due to her little girl being sick.
I forgot my wallet at home and had to skip my morning coffee stop, prompting a sleepy start and headache by 12:00 P.M.
I had a lot of paperwork to do and due to unforeseen circumstances, I couldn't get everything done.
I was in a horrible mood come 3:00 P.M.
I just wanted sleep. I wanted a coffee, my dog, and my bed.

Then I see this video and I get reminded of the best of the worse days.

I had something in the medicine cabinet to soothe my throat.
I have a job that helps pay my bills and take care of my most basic needs.
Coffee is available at any time I need it.
I have a boss that is understanding, patient, and all around great.
I work somewhere I love. With kids I love. And co-workers that are kind, funny, helpful, and all around amazing.
I have a warm bed and a warm dog and an amazing brother that doesn't let me oversleep so that I can nap and still take care of business.

It's easy to forget all the amazing things we have. I am by no means saying that rough days shouldn't be acknowledged or that the emotions that come with them shouldn't be embraced, but what little Zion taught me is that there is something good even in the roughest of times.

Something else I believe, and I didn't necessarily learn this by watching Zion's video, I just know it in my heart of hearts... He's destined for an extraordinary destiny.

She took a leap

I'm the kind of girl that gets swept up in the romance of things.

You know the kind... She'll meet a cute boy. He'll show interest and she'll be interested as well.

He'll ask something like "do you feel it? This thing? Between us?" And she'll respond with a whispy "yes"

Because truly, she DOES feel it. The butterfly effect in her belly. The floaty yet dizzying effect in her head.

And all is well until she starts to turn into the other girl. 

You know the one...

The one that over rationalizes. The overly logical one. 

The girl that wonders "where is this going?" "Is there a future in this?"

Then the butterflies turn into lawn mowers. Cutting into her belly. Weeding out the floaty whispy feelings and replacing them with jagged cuts filled with anxiety.

She starts to notice things. Things like how indecisive he is. How he seems to have very few aspirations in life. How he's too simple.

Then that girl evolves yet again.

She becomes complacent. Understanding. But remains logical. She's a no nonsense kind of girl. The kind of girl that refuses to settle but is too afraid to change. 

The kind that is finally content, but getting restless none the less. 

The kind that has so much to give and so much love in her heart.

The kind that is too selfish to share and too selfless to confine someone to a space they don't want to be in.

The kind of girl that will love you. Even when she swears she's over you.

The kind of girl that will fight with you, but still fight for you. The kind of girl that will want to please you. But demand pleasure as well. The kind of girl that will take whatever aspirations you have and support you. Because who you are now is who she loves and who you will be is who she will love when she gets to know him. 

The kind of girl too afraid to admit any of these things out loud. The kind of girl too afraid of letting her heart break. The kind of girl so afraid she closes herself off to the possibility of love, if only that means her heart will be protected. 

The kind of girl that silently wishes for moments of anxiety over you. Moments of sadness over you. Moments of frustration over you, if only that means she'll have moments of love. Moments of devotion. Moments of laughing so hard she hurts for days. Moments of joy. Moments of companionship and sharing her life. Moments of being part of a partnership.

The kind of girl that you broke. The kind of girl too afraid to admit what feelings are still there because she refused to give that last part of herself up to you when you asked for closure. The kind of girl who's heart is breaking still. The kind of girl who you didn't really want. 

The kind of girl who will find all that again. And lose it again. Until all the moments of romance and logistics and anxiety and fearlessness all happen again, but this time, she doesn't run. And neither do you. 

- N

Slightly scared to post and share this. But I couldn't stop. The words flowed out of me. Once I started I couldn't stop... Obviously until I felt I was done. Some of what I wrote is from experience and some just from a part of my brain that hoards all the stuff I read (haha it's supposed to be funny guys). Well, I took a leap. Sometimes writing things in a "creative" way rather than a personal one is more scary. 

I Will Try Harder

So I've been thinking a lot about this blog. About blogging in general. Did you know I'm in a book blog? Yeah, me and a friend of mine. We're about as good at consistently posting there as I am here.. which is to say, we could do better. And today I did better. It wasn't something huge, it wasn't something elaborate. It was a simple spot on an author that is fairly new to me and C. So I took a little time (it's nap time and the kiddos are sleeping) and made something.

Sometimes I'm going to post about books. I thought once upon a time, I should just run a book blog, and when the opportunity presented itself, I didn't do a great job at it. And then I kept thinking up ways to start one on my own (because I'm crazy) but I remembered I'm already part of one! So in the spirit of things, I shall sometimes post in my book blog then come here and link it. Because books are a very important part of my life.

In general this post is a way for me to work harder at doing this blogging thing. I enjoy it. I enjoy sitting and writing about things that matter to me or things that I find funny, or offensive, or things I love. I want to do it more often but I lose sight when other things get in the way. I currently go to school full time, work full time, help out the family partly full time, and have to keep a social life as well as making time for reading. So sometimes life gets a little jumbled and I end up forgetting that I have two blogs that need looking after.

So I will try harder. Because I like the feeling of accomplishment from posting in the blog. And I did it TWICE today. I'm going to link the blog now, here so you can check it out. The top post is today's post about a really REALLY good book.

Hope you enjoy :)

Balance

One of the worst feelings in the world is that helpless feeling of falling down the rabbit hole, recognizing that it's happening, and not being able to make yourself get out of it. The opposite effect takes place. Instead of getting out you go in deeper. You feel like you let down everyone around you. The people who love you, the people who are there for you, the people who want to help you. In the end knowing is not half the battle. I used to think that. I now believe something else. I believe that being aware that you have a problem is JUST THE BEGINNING. Once you’re in that beginning you have to find the way out. You have to find what works and what doesn’t. What makes you happy along the way and fulfilled. Proud. One thing I am no good at is being selfish. It’s just not something I can do. I have to do for others before I do for myself. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what’s led me astray. My focus has shifted and it’s done so in a completely negative way. Right now all I know is that I have fallen through the rabbit hole. I can’t seem to find my way out. I feel trapped. I feel like there is only one way to go and that’s down, down, down. I’m not seeing the light and that frightens me. I don’t want to get to a place where I can’t look back. It’s difficult and it’s frightening. I don’t want to rely on others, but I don’t think I can do it for myself.

I’m stuck between trying to be positive about the physical aspects of my life and wanting to change them. Stuck between being ashamed of myself and not caring whether others are ashamed of me. Stuck between knowing I need to make some changes and actually making them. Stuck between knowing I’ve been lying to myself and knowing I’ve lied to others (which I feel is worse). Stuck between loving myself internally and forgetting to love my external parts as well.

It's been said before, balance is key. What I want is to find that balance. I want to find the balance that will shift everything back into focus and help me walk myself out of the misery that I have allowed myself to be in. My search continues, but this time, it's intensified.

My realization

I hate going to the gym. There was one time in my life, when I didn't hate it. I did it Monday thru Friday. I had a routine. Then one day I stopped. My routine outside the gym changed. Now I hate going to the gym again. Except, I don't. I can't possibly hate going to the gym because I haven't been in a long time. I came to the realization with the help of a friend that I need to go back to the gym. Except, I don't want to NEED to go. I want to WANT TO GO. See the difference? Here's the realization I just had. The big epiphany. The moment when I said AHA! I follow a website called Everyday Feminism.. today I read something from it.. it goes like this...

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/05/exercising-out-of-self-love/?utm_content=bufferd7978&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

I feel ashamed sometimes of admitting this. I feel weak. But as I read this today.. I couldn't help but feel the author was inside my head when she wrote this. For anyone who is viewing this.. please click on the link and read it. I feel like I'm in a place where I can begin my journey to exercising out of self-love. I feel like the author of the article says, that it will be an inconsistent and tough journey, but I'm okay with that. 

Last week I emailed one of my favorite authors. I told her about how her latest book really spoke to me, but not for the exact reasons it may have spoken to others. In her reply (YES I TOTALLY FANGIRLED WHEN I SAW SHE RESPONDED) she said to me, "You are not a body. You are a soul. And once you value your own soul you will start to take care of the flesh that it's in." I'm going to take the advice of that woman, who is beautiful not only physically, but on the inside as well. My soul has some repairs it needs and it's time I get around to it. So thank you Tarryn Fisher, and thank you Sarah at Everyday Feminism. I hope I can continue on the journey of doing it for my soul and for ME. 

Good to be back!

So I had been gone. Anyone notice? Haha

School sucked the life out of me. When I set out to do this, I set out to do it in a way that just didn't work out. I planned something and well, like most of the time when I plan something.

I think originally, I wanted to use this as a platform for me to write about one of my passions. Reading. Holy shit do I love to read. I enjoy getting sucked into a book. When I find a book that is worth being sucked into it's fucking magical. My eyes absorb the words and I become a part of a different world. More often than not, I can read a book in a period of 24 hours or less. I get asked,
"how the hell do you even retain what you read  when you read that fast?!" I JUST HAVE A GOOD MEMORY MMK?

I feel like other than books I have some other random things to write about. I'm doing this again more for me than for anything or anyone else. So those of you who read this and follow this, I hope I can hold myself accountable. This is my first time "blogging" after all.

I think it's safe to say I'll post when I have an itch to speak. That could be once a week, once every two weeks, or once a day. Who knows?

Short Post! ....maybe?

Thoughts I'm currently having as I type this:
Fuck fuck fuck I'm tired.
Don't stop don't stop. You have consistently posted Thursday after Thursday.
The blog name really needs to change dude.
What the hell else should I call this thing?

School started for me today! YAY! I'm almost there. I'm almost there! And yet... I'm not anywhere near the finish line. This is the aftermath of not staying in school consistently. Which leads me to another side effect of the "go to school quit school go to school FUCK SCHOOL" game, the shame and regret I once felt for being a twenty something with no degree. Yes, shame and guilt are feelings I'm very familiar with. Shame and guilt have been a constant presence in my life for many reasons, but for the sake of this post I'll stay on the shame and guilt I felt for being a loser with no degree. Here I was a young innocent girl thinking I had the limitless possibilities promised within the American Dream. Maybe it was me, maybe it was my circumstances. Maybe it was a mixture of circumstance and piss poor attitude. Finally deciding to go back to school took courage (and a little bit of stress/heartbreak) but once I took the reins and said "fuck it I'm gonna do this" it felt liberating.

Things I've accepted:
1. Higher education is at anyone's disposal, but that doesn't mean they HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE. It's not for everyone. Whatever the reason. Some people just don't have it in them (the desire that is) and THAT IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FINE.
2. If I'm 80 by the time I get my degree THAT'S OKAY TOO. This is something I decided to do for myself. Not for anyone else, so the shame and guilt I once felt is gone simply because I came to the realization that me having or not having a degree wouldn't really affect anyone but ME. See the beauty is it's a CHOICE and I finally made the choice to go through with it. No one is forcing me. No one is saying to me "you're a dummy if you don't get a degree." No one ever really did. I just sort of felt that offhanded peer envy. Most of my friends from high school have degrees and careers, YAY FOR THEM! And YAY for the ones who don't! As long as people are living a life that's fulfilling to them then that's all that matters!
3. School is hella expensive, but the payout is worth it in the end. I'll have a little piece of paper that says, "Naroba knows some shit about _________" and Naroba really likes to show people she knows stuff so that is fucking awesome.
4. I'm now past shame and guilt, now I'm in the "I'm glad I finally decided and went back" because I've never been as great a student as I have been the last 3 semesters. I really believe that my circumstances have made me desire to be that student that goes above and beyond, which I was never like that in my past life btdubs.

So the post wasn't as short as I thought it would be. Thoughts now?
GO TO BED.
My sleep schedule really sucks right now.
GO TO FUCKING BED WOMAN.

bye!