In the Quest for Love

When you love a person, it should be no matter what right? I mean.. not if they’re a serial rapist or eat dogs or something… but if they are and you love them then you get them help no? I mean that is ideal.. if someone loves you then you would expect to be loved in any circumstance you are facing. Including mental illness, physical illness, no illness, richness, poorness, etc.

 In the quest for love I have discovered a lot of variations of it. There is the kind of love only a mother can give; nurturing, nagging, this-is-for-your-own-good-ing, blinding, etc. There is the kind of love you get from a dad; this one is similar to that of a mom, but with some detachment I guess (depending on the dad and all that shit.) There is the kind of love you get from a sibling; the kind where they feel like you’re either the bane of their existence or the best thing to ever happen to them. You fight, you laugh, you’re mean, you destroy your relationship and then you build it back up. Sister/Brother love is different because of age, personality, sometimes even distance and sometimes it can be a long time in order to get it “just right.”

There’s the love of a friend. This one is a special one. See, friends are sort of the chosen brothers or sisters. They don’t take away from your biological siblings, but they have a special place. While your older sister is out on dates with her boyfriend or out hanging with HER friends, your friends are there to hold that place. While your younger brother is being a sulky silly teenager, your friend is there to remind you of that time when you too, were a sulky silly teenager. Friends love in the most amazing complex way. They make you laugh, cry, smile, angry, happy, sad. They hold your hand through scary medical procedures, or walking through a crown when they can tell you’re a bit apprehensive, or they come see you when you’re dog sitting out in bum-fuck-egypt. They stop speaking to you and even block you on social media, but they still want to know if someone has done you wrong so that they can retaliate. They get shit face drunk with you and let you sleep off the ever-clear jello-shots and the moonshine (even if it’s in the middle of a fucking game at the table.) They make you do things you never thought you would and support your stupid or awesome ideas. The most important thing though, is that they love you no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. In the midst of chaos, in the worst of times, in the best of times. They forgive petty shit and serious shit as well. They don’t drop you over a stupid ass disagreement. They just don’t. I learned the meaning of friendship a long time ago. And then this year, just within the last four months, I have re-learned it.

                                 

I have maintained friendships with a very small group of people from school. I see them as much as I can. Right now, it’s not a lot. But they’re my tribe. They’re my people. I have made some amazing friendships within the book and online community. And I have lost some. And that is okay. Because the ones that have remained? They’re the ones that I will think about in my darkest of times. They are the ones that I will share my best moments with. It’s not a lot of skill to be a good friend. It doesn’t take a lot of skill to love someone. I love my tribe. All of them. My old friends, my new ones. I love my family. I love so whole-heartedly it’s stupid and ugly sometimes. Especially in those dark moments when I forget that they love me too.

I have been dealing with some personal shit. And the love of my family, and the love from my friends has helped me tremendously. But it has also hurt. Because in those dark moments, in those weak moments filled with dread and constant doubt, I have learned that love is not always reciprocated. And that it is often said to leisurely. But that’s okay. Because in my quest for love, I am finding it easier and easier to love myself most of all.