Balance

One of the worst feelings in the world is that helpless feeling of falling down the rabbit hole, recognizing that it's happening, and not being able to make yourself get out of it. The opposite effect takes place. Instead of getting out you go in deeper. You feel like you let down everyone around you. The people who love you, the people who are there for you, the people who want to help you. In the end knowing is not half the battle. I used to think that. I now believe something else. I believe that being aware that you have a problem is JUST THE BEGINNING. Once you’re in that beginning you have to find the way out. You have to find what works and what doesn’t. What makes you happy along the way and fulfilled. Proud. One thing I am no good at is being selfish. It’s just not something I can do. I have to do for others before I do for myself. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what’s led me astray. My focus has shifted and it’s done so in a completely negative way. Right now all I know is that I have fallen through the rabbit hole. I can’t seem to find my way out. I feel trapped. I feel like there is only one way to go and that’s down, down, down. I’m not seeing the light and that frightens me. I don’t want to get to a place where I can’t look back. It’s difficult and it’s frightening. I don’t want to rely on others, but I don’t think I can do it for myself.

I’m stuck between trying to be positive about the physical aspects of my life and wanting to change them. Stuck between being ashamed of myself and not caring whether others are ashamed of me. Stuck between knowing I need to make some changes and actually making them. Stuck between knowing I’ve been lying to myself and knowing I’ve lied to others (which I feel is worse). Stuck between loving myself internally and forgetting to love my external parts as well.

It's been said before, balance is key. What I want is to find that balance. I want to find the balance that will shift everything back into focus and help me walk myself out of the misery that I have allowed myself to be in. My search continues, but this time, it's intensified.

My realization

I hate going to the gym. There was one time in my life, when I didn't hate it. I did it Monday thru Friday. I had a routine. Then one day I stopped. My routine outside the gym changed. Now I hate going to the gym again. Except, I don't. I can't possibly hate going to the gym because I haven't been in a long time. I came to the realization with the help of a friend that I need to go back to the gym. Except, I don't want to NEED to go. I want to WANT TO GO. See the difference? Here's the realization I just had. The big epiphany. The moment when I said AHA! I follow a website called Everyday Feminism.. today I read something from it.. it goes like this...

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/05/exercising-out-of-self-love/?utm_content=bufferd7978&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

I feel ashamed sometimes of admitting this. I feel weak. But as I read this today.. I couldn't help but feel the author was inside my head when she wrote this. For anyone who is viewing this.. please click on the link and read it. I feel like I'm in a place where I can begin my journey to exercising out of self-love. I feel like the author of the article says, that it will be an inconsistent and tough journey, but I'm okay with that. 

Last week I emailed one of my favorite authors. I told her about how her latest book really spoke to me, but not for the exact reasons it may have spoken to others. In her reply (YES I TOTALLY FANGIRLED WHEN I SAW SHE RESPONDED) she said to me, "You are not a body. You are a soul. And once you value your own soul you will start to take care of the flesh that it's in." I'm going to take the advice of that woman, who is beautiful not only physically, but on the inside as well. My soul has some repairs it needs and it's time I get around to it. So thank you Tarryn Fisher, and thank you Sarah at Everyday Feminism. I hope I can continue on the journey of doing it for my soul and for ME. 

Good to be back!

So I had been gone. Anyone notice? Haha

School sucked the life out of me. When I set out to do this, I set out to do it in a way that just didn't work out. I planned something and well, like most of the time when I plan something.

I think originally, I wanted to use this as a platform for me to write about one of my passions. Reading. Holy shit do I love to read. I enjoy getting sucked into a book. When I find a book that is worth being sucked into it's fucking magical. My eyes absorb the words and I become a part of a different world. More often than not, I can read a book in a period of 24 hours or less. I get asked,
"how the hell do you even retain what you read  when you read that fast?!" I JUST HAVE A GOOD MEMORY MMK?

I feel like other than books I have some other random things to write about. I'm doing this again more for me than for anything or anyone else. So those of you who read this and follow this, I hope I can hold myself accountable. This is my first time "blogging" after all.

I think it's safe to say I'll post when I have an itch to speak. That could be once a week, once every two weeks, or once a day. Who knows?

Short Post! ....maybe?

Thoughts I'm currently having as I type this:
Fuck fuck fuck I'm tired.
Don't stop don't stop. You have consistently posted Thursday after Thursday.
The blog name really needs to change dude.
What the hell else should I call this thing?

School started for me today! YAY! I'm almost there. I'm almost there! And yet... I'm not anywhere near the finish line. This is the aftermath of not staying in school consistently. Which leads me to another side effect of the "go to school quit school go to school FUCK SCHOOL" game, the shame and regret I once felt for being a twenty something with no degree. Yes, shame and guilt are feelings I'm very familiar with. Shame and guilt have been a constant presence in my life for many reasons, but for the sake of this post I'll stay on the shame and guilt I felt for being a loser with no degree. Here I was a young innocent girl thinking I had the limitless possibilities promised within the American Dream. Maybe it was me, maybe it was my circumstances. Maybe it was a mixture of circumstance and piss poor attitude. Finally deciding to go back to school took courage (and a little bit of stress/heartbreak) but once I took the reins and said "fuck it I'm gonna do this" it felt liberating.

Things I've accepted:
1. Higher education is at anyone's disposal, but that doesn't mean they HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE. It's not for everyone. Whatever the reason. Some people just don't have it in them (the desire that is) and THAT IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FINE.
2. If I'm 80 by the time I get my degree THAT'S OKAY TOO. This is something I decided to do for myself. Not for anyone else, so the shame and guilt I once felt is gone simply because I came to the realization that me having or not having a degree wouldn't really affect anyone but ME. See the beauty is it's a CHOICE and I finally made the choice to go through with it. No one is forcing me. No one is saying to me "you're a dummy if you don't get a degree." No one ever really did. I just sort of felt that offhanded peer envy. Most of my friends from high school have degrees and careers, YAY FOR THEM! And YAY for the ones who don't! As long as people are living a life that's fulfilling to them then that's all that matters!
3. School is hella expensive, but the payout is worth it in the end. I'll have a little piece of paper that says, "Naroba knows some shit about _________" and Naroba really likes to show people she knows stuff so that is fucking awesome.
4. I'm now past shame and guilt, now I'm in the "I'm glad I finally decided and went back" because I've never been as great a student as I have been the last 3 semesters. I really believe that my circumstances have made me desire to be that student that goes above and beyond, which I was never like that in my past life btdubs.

So the post wasn't as short as I thought it would be. Thoughts now?
GO TO BED.
My sleep schedule really sucks right now.
GO TO FUCKING BED WOMAN.

bye!

Adulthood Joys

We are two weeks into the new year. It’s been pretty good so far, and unlike most I plan on staying positive. Nothing has happened yet to show me otherwise. Work has been okay, school is about to start, money is about to be tight. Oh the joys of adulthood. Whoever said college was for everyone FLAT OUT LIED. It’s not for everyone. And when it is for someone, it’s not always for them right out of high school. I don’t for a single minute regret not going through straight out of high school. Since going BACK to college, I have had amazing grades and a much more serious desire to get my “higher education”. The two semesters I did (one as a concurrently enrolled high school student and one after graduation) sucked. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I sucked as a student my first semester OUT of high school. I didn’t take things seriously, I didn’t like the schedule. I wanted to make money, not spend it or lose it because of school. I was not fortunate enough to have college paid for. What little help I did have, I took it for granted. What I have learned along the way is that all this is okay. I owe no one in particular when it comes to my life. I have found the inspiration to return to school and get a degree and that’s all that matters. Doesn’t mean paying for it doesn’t suck. Haha

My mom told me one day that had we never came here, I would most likely already have a degree and be working in whatever career my degree was for. In Mexico the education system is a little different than here in the states. I would like to think that the person I am might have had the same outcome there as I’ve had here. The reality is that I have fewer opportunities for a higher education because of my non-citizenship status here in the states. I could have done any number of things to be able to go to school, but I didn’t have the desire or the drive honestly. At one point in my life I regretted every “wrong” decision I made about school during my early adult life. It wasn’t until one of my college professors reminded me that I’m still young and that I had every right to fuck up. That’s when I realized that the possibility of “failure” never seemed one that I felt I had privilege to. It wasn’t that anyone told me that I HAD to succeed, or that failure was not an option, I guess I just sort of felt that myself, I set that expectation up for myself. Now I get that my mistakes aren’t something to be ashamed of. It’s completely fine that I didn’t jump straight to getting a degree. I had no clue what I really wanted to do. Even now I question myself and I’m much further in to my degree than before.

Questioning myself has always been a part of who I am. I am most likely going to continue doing it. I have to learn to have more confidence in myself when it comes to making decisions. Oh the joys of adulthood indeed...

Never Never

I can't believe I lived so much of my life hating to read. It's crazy to me. But I've made up for it these last few years. Today two of my favorite authors released their book early! It was supposed to release Sunday, but instead us lucky readers got it today!

Best friends and lovers Silas and Charlie wake up not knowing much of anything. Except that Obama is President, and that Kanye married Kim. In this thrilling work of torture Tarryn Fisher and Colleen Hoover introduce us to two characters who are getting to know each other as we the readers are getting to know them. If that makes any sense.

Colleen and Tarryn are so dear to me. The writing seemed effortless and flowed amazingly. Tiny little things made me go, "yep that's Colleen's work for sure" and like wise for Tarryn. What I loved so much about this book is that it flowed so well. What I hated was that it ended in a cliff-hanger. Which means I'll have to wait God knows how long until I get to read more. Honestly though it was beautiful, torturing, damaging to the soul. Only one question remains. Will they find their freaking wallets?!

I'm going to cut this post short and go re-read! Bye

now!

New Year! Same Me!

Hola! So it's a new year and so I'm posting a new entry. Realize I haven't posted in weeks and that's mainly due to bad planning, bad blogger, and workschoolhome life.

I want to touch on something about this new year. First, let me start with 2014; because frankly it was a pretty fucking awesome year. I began the year with my friends and family and they brought me lots of good luck and good fortune. I started on a journey of mental clarity, which I'm still on btdubs. Which is why I started to write this entry. Not too long ago, I found a blogger/youtuber/feminist kick ass girl on a page called UpWorthy and I began to follow her on Facebook. She sort of planted this seed in my mind about body acceptance and body positivity. I'll let you guys in on a secret, I'm overweigh (shhhh don't tell others! haha). The seed which she planted has stirred a great amount of thought provoking ideas and with those ideas I decided I wouldn't make any resolutions or promises for this year. I did decide a few things. She started a hashtag which I feel is exceptional and beautiful and lord I love so much that someone out there decided to do this. #NormalizeFat2k15 check it out guys. Tweet it, Facebook it, TUMBLR the shit out of it, Pin the hell out of it. NORMALIZE IT.

1. I decided I would post here at least once a week. It'll be random postings, but hopefully they'll make some sort of difference for others (as they already are for me).
2. One picture a day FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR. This one is gonna be tough because I rarely keep up with stuff like this. The picture is going to be representative of a word that has positive connotations and will serve to keep me optimistic and hopefully others who see it as well.
3. The biggest decision I have made has been to de-clutter and decontaminate my whole self. This one is the hardest one because I have grown far to accustomed to allowing contaminants into my life.

One of the biggest things I want to do, is to change the image I see when I look at a mirror. I want nothing more than to see a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman. I have been my own worst enemy, critic, hater. But that has got to change. I know love is in my life, but I need this kind of love to come from ME. So this is my BIGGEST GOAL AND CHALLENGE OF 2015. Whatever results come after will be taken in stride and I will know that I did it for myself and not for any one else's approval or acceptance or love. If I stay the size I am now so be it. If I lose weight, good, as long as I know wholly and whole heartedly that it's for MY benefit and that I decided to. I no longer want to be attached to the stigma that being fat is ugly or bad. I no longer wish to change my outer appearance so that I may score a look or two from the opposite sex. It has to be about me, my mind, my health. But above all, I have to love myself at ALL TIMES. This my friends is where I have failed myself for so long. I plan to correct that PRONTO.

I realize my post may not make a whole lot of sense. I'll blame it on the amount of sleep I DIDN'T GET.

I leave you with my first instagram pic of 2015. See y'all next week!